Fireproof Your Marriage, Pt. 2 - Why Marriages Succeed?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Someone said, “Marriage can be a taste of heaven, or a taste of hell.” Well, what makes the difference? Is it possible to have a marriage that starts, like an infant, and then grows and grows and grows to full, beautiful, satisfying maturity and ecstasy?

I may sound silly, even boastful, but that’s how I feel about Vangie and my marriage after 50 years. Through all the ups and downs, bumps and bruises, highs and lows, victories and defeat, we feel like we’re just beginning to enjoy the fruit of a Christian marriage. Wow!

I believe this is what God had in mind for the sacrament of marriage when He created the institution in the Garden. Jesus speaks about it in our text, Matthew 19:4-6  (MES) “Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”

You see, whatever your view on divorce and remarriage, whether we interpret Scripture as giving permission, exception clauses, or holding the strictest Patristic View, Jesus said that “from the beginning” God intended a man and a woman to come together and stay together ’til death parts them. One man, one wife, one life!

Now, some of you who have been divorced for whatever reason — remarried or not — you can have redemption, restoration, forgiveness, and success in your present marriage.

That’s what I am talking about today. You can have a successful marriage so that your present marriage will be your last because your love is growing and glowing! That’s the hope Jesus gives.

Last week we looked at “Why Marriages Fail?” Please get the CD if you missed it, or view it here. Today, I want to answer the question, “Why Marriages Succeed?”  Building strong marriages is our passion at Church at the Gateway.

I believe that at the heart of every successful marriage is “Harmony,” which is “the just adaptation of parts to each other, giving unity of effect or an aesthetically pleasing whole, concord in opinions and interests.”

I want to stay with that definition, and identify three key characteristics of a truly successful and happy marriage:

I. Psychological Harmony

Matt. 19:5 “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and CLEAVE to his wife..”

The Greek expression for “cleave” has the idea of two pieces: “joined, glued, or fastened together; to keep company.” That’s the expression we use for dating, and that’s when the joining, bonding, and gluing should begin in any relationship that is going to be successful.

Marriages are successful when dating and engagement are successful.  That’s what we look for when we counsel couples that are “keeping company.” We look to see if “bonding” is really happening.  Are the two pieces becoming one?

This is the “soul of marriage” or the “spirit of marriage” I spoke of last week.  It’s that “something” that a couple has with each other.  Words don’t even have to be spoken; you just know there is a connection of the soul. “Soul mate” is a term we use today, and it suggests this possibility between a man and woman.

Listen, this doesn’t come quickly, or without commitment and diligence, and it must keep growing as the years go by!

II. Physical Harmony - “…and the two shall become one flesh…”; (LB) “…becoming one flesh — no longer two bodies but one…”; (MES) “..two are united into one (LB) since they are no longer two but one…”

When your “spirit” gets it right, the “physical” can reach the potential pleasure and joy that God intended.  There is nothing sinful about good marital sexual enjoyment and pleasure. The Bible is the guide to sexual enjoyment, but you have to keep the paint in the bucket in order to not make a mess. That “bucket” is marriage.

That why Paul cautions the sex-crazed singles of Corinth (present-day NY/NJ?) in I Cor. 7:1-5- “Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Let me read it to you from MES to get it into our thick heads, or “hot heads…” – “Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly — but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.”

Listen, I’ve spent a good part of my pastoral years trying to teach young people to learn self-control.  The more you can restrain yourself before marriage, the more you will enjoy a full and satisfying sex life after marriage.

Again, if you have messed up God’s plan and “scored” before marriage, get to the cross, repent, and receive forgiveness. Don’t let your past indiscretions ruin your future pleasures in marriage.  Some guys score before marriage and strike out after!

The real fun begins in the marital bed.  Listen to the best sex manual on earth. Since God created sex, He should know how to get it on best. Listen to His wedding wisdom for married couples: Proverbs 5:15-23 -  (MES) “Do you know the saying, ‘Drink from your own rain barrel, draw water from your own spring-fed well?’ It’s true. Otherwise, you may one day come home and find your barrel empty and your well polluted. Your spring water is for you and you only, not to be passed around among strangers. Bless your fresh flowing fountain. Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose — don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore, for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger? Mark well that God doesn’t miss a move you make; he’s aware of every step you take. The shadow of your sin will overtake you; your foolish decisions trap you in a dead end.”

I like the way The Message handles sexual responsibility in marriage: “The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality — the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ’stand up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

There it is: “Harmony” — a “just adaptation of parts to each other, concord in opinions (even about the “what” of sex).

Married Couples - Make a decision to serve one another and make the joy of your spouse the goal of your sex life. The payback is great if you ever tap the well of physical harmony!

Singles - Don’t sell your birthright to sexual joy before marriage for a few night of lustful pleasure.  God’s best is yet to come!

III. SPIRITUAL HARMONY - Matt. 19:6: “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”  (MES) “Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”

Here is the greatest mystery and the greatest blessing of a Godly Christian marriage.  Two people choose each other out of all the choices they could make; “leave their father and mother” (Remember guys, your wife is not your mommy!). They stand before a minister, judge, and make vows, go off on a honeymoon, come back, live together, have children, raise a family. It’s incredible when you think of it.  But there is more.

Eph. 5:32 says (LB) “This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.”

What does Paul mean by this illustration? Listen to how marriage relates to Christ and the Church.  It’s beautiful:

1)    Christ LEFT His Father and the glories of heaven for us.

2)    Christ wants to CLEAVE — be “glued” to the Church (us) and live in us, get to know us, fellowship with us, and give us all His love in spite of all our weaknesses, sinfulness, rebellion… He will never leave us. He is our example in marriage.

Can you see how abnormal divorce really is! Listen, spiritual disharmony is at the root of any divorce. My Mom used to say, “It’s spiritual” when I spoke with her about marital problems people were facing, and she was right!   When two people love Christ and each other, they “fireproof” their marriage. (See the movie, “Fireproof.”) Divorce can’t trump true salvation.

3)    Christ wants to become one with us, sharing all that He is and has to give. He longs for the day when He will return to be united with us, catch away His Bride — the Church — and rejoice at the great Marriage Supper of the Lamb.

Rev. 19:7-9 (1239) “Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.”  (9) “Then he said to me, Write, Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb. These are the true words of God.”

Spiritual harmony can only come when Jesus comes and fills two hearts with His presence and love. Seek Christ first and His kingdom, and all the other things will follow, including a successful marriage.

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