Desperate Families (Pt. 3): “What Can I Say?” - Complimenting

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ephesians 4:29-32 -  “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

If you are getting your cures about marriage and family life from TV and the movies, you could come away thinking that it is one big joke. I think that’s why there is always laughing behind most family sitcoms.

Well, it ain’t no laughing matter when we passed 1 million divorces a year in America in the late 90’s.  Six of 10 marriages now end in divorce.  More than 60% of children will lose a parent to divorce before they reach 18. Another one million will be born out of wedlock each year, mostly into lives of neglect and poverty.

Co-habitation used to be scarce and almost invisible, but now the invisible cancer has soared to the point that a large percentage of couples getting married are living together first, and a growing group never get married.  And this is happening even when the facts show co-habitation before marriage is almost sure to end in separation if they don’t marry, or divorce if they do.

In this series, we are trying to answer some crucial questions that we believe can solve some of the problems facing Desperate Families, and some that just need some help to be better. We have hopefully helped in answering “What about me? (Commitment).

In this message, we consider the third question, “What Can I Say?” or “How can I be an encourager and edifier, complimenting others with words of affirmation and appreciation?

Studies reveal that, “Successful families help each other feel good about themselves.  Self-esteem is bolstered.”  William James, one of America’s respected psychologists, said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

Dr. George Crane said, “Appreciative words are the most powerful force for good will on earth.” Think about this when spoken at home in the context of warm, loving, trusting relationships, and their power is increased incredibly.

An experiment was conducted in Chicago some years back. A large number of people committed themselves for 18 months to record everything that came into their minds in a detailed dairy from morning ’til night.  The data was collected, calculated, and computerized.  The conclusion was astounding: “These people came up feeling discouraged and depressed all the time. Most of them experienced a 90% negative input.  Only 10% of the thoughts that were fed to them or the concepts that came into their lives during the 18 months were positive.”  Dr. Lacy Hall, who conducted the study, commented, “The average human being who is trying to be positive is fighting a losing battle Unless he’s tied to something unusual that constantly feed him positive emotions.”

I am suggesting that the family and home should be that positive place and force, supported by the Church and its family of faith, hope, and love! Our families must become places of encouragement, edification, and a happy place to live in if we are to counter the negative influences of society all around us.  WE can do it!

Research further suggests that for every one negative thing you say to a child, you must say four off-setting positive things just to keep balance. In the average home, from birth until a child leaves, he has heard negative comments like, “You shouldn’t do that,”  “It can’t be done,” or “It’s impossible,” more than 148,200 times.

Let’s go to the Bible, and ask the same question, “What Can I Say?” and get God’s answer: Ephesians 4:29-32 -“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Listen to it from The Message: “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, and profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. (5:1) Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.”

Do you know that Dr. Gary Chapman has identified “Affirmation” as one of the Five Love Languages?  I think some people just don’t know how to express their “love” feelings, and need help in getting those words out.

Dr. J. Allan Peterson lists six insights that will help take the desperation from your marriage or family if it is not a place of complimenting, affirmation, and encouragement.  Listen:

1. Expressing appreciation is an activity, not an attitude. It must be done, not just thought about. Insight about something does not necessarily lead to action, but doing it will bring insight.
2. Expressing appreciation can be taught, modeled, become a habit. It is a skill to be developed.  We must do it the “old-fashioned way.” It takes work, but is worth the effort.
3. Expressing appreciation can be personally initiated by each family member. It doesn’t require the cooperation and consent of the others. Let it begin with you, no matter how old you are.
4. Expressing appreciation can begin today. Start with someone near you now. Think of something good he does and tell him. Don’t wait for holidays and birthdays only.
5. Expressing appreciation has an immediate and positive effect on the giver and the receiver. It makes both feel good.
6. Expressing appreciation multiplies itself.  It encourages reciprocal action from the other family members.  The Biblical principle applies here, “Give and it shall be given to you.” (Luke 6:38)  We can initiate a cycle of behavior. Life is like a boomerang — what goes out comes back again.  The Bible says, “Cast your bread upon the water,” and it will return to you when the tide comes in.”  WE need a “tide of complimenting!”

I remember hearing an old Irish fable:  “There are four kinds of people in the world; Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  Now, someone gave an important task to Everybody, but Everybody thought Somebody was going to do it, but Somebody didn’t. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Everybody thought Somebody was going to do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  So it ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody did what Anybody could have done.” Hail to the Irish!

We can, as Isaiah 58:12 promises, “use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.”

We don’t have to live in Desperate Families or marriages.

The story is told of a young boy in factory in Naples, Italy, who at the age of 10 took his first singing lessons. The teacher told him, “You can’t sing, your voice sounds like shutters in the wind. You have no voice at all.” The boy’s mother, however, had visions of a great career for her son, and with encouragement and sacrifice got another teacher and the lessons he needed. It paid off; the boy became one of the greatest singers of all time, Enrico Caruso!

In London, a young preacher was in his first church. He was not much of a preacher when he started, but two dear old ladies in the church approached him and said, “We know you are struggling to fill this position and can’t quite handle it, but we are going to pray for you every time you preach and while you are preaching for God’s anointing. You will succeed.” With that, the young preacher kept going and became the man we today call  “the prince of preachers,” the great Charles Haddon Spurgeon.

Say it today, and say it now.  Don’t be the Everybody who waits for the Somebody, and finds out the Nobody didn’t do what Anybody could have done to encourage your spouse, your children, the people all around YOU.

- If you have a message of encouragement, affirmation, appreciation, SAY IT TODAY!
- If you forgot to write the thank-you card, and letter of appreciation, or give the gift to acknowledge a kindness received, DO IT TODAY!

Don’t let past failures, mistakes, or defeats keep you from present and future victories.  Start now to “rebuild the foundation of many generations.”

Think about it, it may all begin with saying, “That’s great,” “Wow, you are good,” or simply “Thanks for being who you are.” Now go ahead and start helping families out of desperation by giving that word of affirmation to someone who needs to feel loved and appreciated.  DO IT NOW!

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